Engagement and Belonging Newsblog

Domestic Violence: Understanding, Healing, and Reclaiming Power

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Content warning: discussions of domestic abuse and tactics

When people hear about survivors of narcissistic abuse or domestic violence, the immediate reaction is often judgment. “Why didn’t they leave sooner?” “Why didn’t they speak up?” These questions reflect a lack of understanding about the deeply complex trauma involved in these situations. Survivors often face skepticism, disbelief, and even blame, especially if they didn’t report the abuse right away. This response not only dismisses the survivor’s pain but also ignores the complex dynamics of trauma, manipulation, and psychological torment.

What is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a form of domestic violence characterized by “the drive for control, power, and authority while instilling doubt, shame, and dependence in their partner”. Abusers often blame the other person and don’t take responsibility. They might isolate them, put them down, and use hurtful words and tricks to control them.

Narcissistic abusers are skilled at psychological manipulation, using tactics like gaslighting, where they make their victims question their own reality. It’s a slow, insidious process. By the time the survivor realizes the extent of the manipulation, they’ve been through months, sometimes years, of emotional torment. They are left feeling confused, powerless, and unable to trust their own perceptions.

For many survivors, the decision to stay or leave becomes terrifying. Abusers thrive on control. They exploit the fears of their partners, knowing just how to manipulate them into submission. They may hold personal information over their victim’s head, threatening to expose or humiliate them. Survivors are often left constantly trying to avoid conflict, knowing that even a small misstep could lead to severe emotional consequences.

Contributing Circumstances

The cycle of narcissistic abuse often starts years before the abuse actually occurs. Having a history of trauma or a pattern of dysfunctional relationships, being sexually abused as a child or marginalized within a hierarchical power structure due to culture, race, or social class, and lack of family support can lead to a higher chance of becoming abused.

On the other hand, having a positive disposition, seeing the good in everyone, and being a rescuer and forgiving can also predispose one to abuse because you may not see negative character traits in abusers that are more visible to others. Abusers are often smart, compelling, and charismatic, able to pick up on vulnerability while turning on the charm.

Being singled out by an abuser can look like love and kindness, but the process is asymmetric. You may think someone is considerate and caring, but abusers are assessing whether the territory is safe for them to exploit and disempower. There is no true consent in an abusive relationship.

Mariana Nakashima

About the Author

Mariana Nakashima

Interest Areas

  • Mariana joined the International Programs and Services Department in April 2023.
  • Having lived the experience of an international Latina student, studying engineering at a highly-ranked R2 institution, she understands the many obstacles and challenges students are facing and she hopes to help fight those obstacles and challenges.
  • In her spare time, she enjoys painting, riding her bike, walking her dog on the trails, kayaking, snowshoeing and cross country skiing.
  • She likes reading about architecture, art movements and her favorite artists are Yayoi Kusama and Georgia O’Keeffe.

Reactive Abuse and the Cycle of Victim-Blaming

Another common tactic used by narcissistic abusers is something called “reactive abuse.” Abusers push the person to the breaking point, inciting anger or an emotional outburst. When the person reacts, the abuser then plays the victim, telling others, “See, they’re crazy!” The abuser manipulates the situation to make it seem like their victim is unstable or irrational, further isolating them and eroding their credibility in their social circles.

This pattern makes it incredibly difficult for survivors to leave, because by the time they reach out for help, their abuser has already discredited them in the eyes of others. The abuser has laid the groundwork, ensuring that when the survivor tries to tell their side of the story, they’re met with doubt and disbelief.

Trauma and the Brain: Why Survivors Stay Silent

Undeniably, the effects of trauma on the brain and body are profound. Trauma rewires our nervous system, making it difficult to process events or make decisions in real-time. Survivors often struggle to speak out because they are trapped in a cycle of manipulation and fear. Historically, survivors of abuse, particularly women, often have not been believed. Victims are often asked inappropriate and accusatory questions: “Did you go there voluntarily? Were you drinking?” These questions imply that the survivor is somehow responsible for the abuse they endured.

In a society where survivors are frequently discredited due to their gender, race, or socioeconomic status, it’s no wonder that many choose not to come forward. The prospect of not being believed and being re-traumatized in the process can push survivors further from healing. They are forced to navigate a world that doesn’t seem to care about their pain, leaving them isolated in their suffering.

The Grief of Losing Yourself

One of the most painful aspects of surviving a narcissistic relationship is the grief that follows. Survivors often mourn not only the relationship but also the person they used to be before the abuse. Narcissistic abuse takes everything from a person—their sense of self-worth, their trust in others, their joy. The abuser moves on to new “supply” quickly, often elevating the new partner while dismissing the previous one as “crazy” or “unlovable.” This constant cycle of devaluation leaves the survivor feeling disposable, broken, and unworthy of love.

Survivors must grapple with the devastating realization that the relationship they invested so much in was built on manipulation and control. The love they thought had been real was part of the abuser’s game.

Healing and Rebuilding

Recovery from narcissistic abuse takes time, patience, and support. Survivors must re-learn how to trust themselves and others. They often carry deep-seated fears that no one will ever love them or that they’ll never be able to return to the person they were before the abuse. But healing is possible.

The journey toward healing begins with validation. Survivors need to hear, often for the first time, that what they went through was real, that it wasn’t their fault, and that they are not to blame for the abuse they endured. Having someone who understands trauma can make all the difference. It’s about feeling safe again, safe to tell the truth, safe to trust yourself, and safe to begin the process of healing.

Moving Forward

In the aftermath of a narcissistic relationship, survivors often struggle to adjust to normal life. Their nervous systems are conditioned to see everything as a threat. It’s like a faulty alarm system that’s always on, making it hard to relax or trust new people. Survivors must work to dismantle the self-blame that narcissistic abuse fosters. Self-blame serves as a coping mechanism during the abuse, giving the survivor a false sense of control. However, it also erodes self-worth over time.

Healing requires recognizing that the abusive behavior was unacceptable, and that the abuser will never change. The process is slow, but with the right support, survivors can regain their sense of self and rebuild their lives. True love, after all, is when someone cares for and protects your vulnerabilities. The right person will understand and help you grow from your trauma, not exploit it.

Leaving a narcissistic relationship means letting go of the abuser’s control—over your emotions, your reputation, and your sense of self. It’s about reclaiming your power and realizing that you deserve to live free from manipulation and fear.

Above all, healing from narcissistic abuse is about learning to trust yourself again, finding safety in your own body, and surrounding yourself with people who validate your experience and support your recovery. You are not broken; you are healing. And that healing will lead you to the life and love you deserve. #MeToo

Resources

Michigan Tech and Local Resources

National Resources

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

On October 6, 1989, a joint resolution of Congress officially established October as Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The resolution cited domestic violence as the single largest cause of injury to women in the United States, with an act of violence occurring every 15 seconds. Domestic violence, also known as intimate partner violence, is a serious and widespread problem. In the United States, one in four women and one in nine men experience contact sexual violence, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime and report negative impacts such as injury, fear, concern for safety and needing services (CDC, 2017).

Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of employment or educational level, race or ethnicity, religion, marital status, physical ability, age, sex, gender identity, or sexual orientation. However, all groups do not share the burden of domestic violence equally, with women and many racial/ethnic and sexual minority groups disproportionately affected.

About the Heritage Blog Series

This post is part of the Engagement and Belonging Heritage Blog Series. In this series, we share stories and viewpoints from different members of our university community. We want to highlight the many cultures, identities, and experiences that make our campus special. Each post gives insights into various heritage observances, helping us all learn about and appreciate each other. By sharing these stories, we hope to create a welcoming place where everyone feels valued and included.

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